


My Dying Soul

by Magichemistry



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-06 23:49:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14068269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magichemistry/pseuds/Magichemistry
Summary: Request: If your requests are still open how about: young jedi apprentice reader, she was in a relationship with ben and after the whole massacre she discovers she is pregnant and so, time keeps going and fastforward a couple of years from TLJ, the first order is about to crush the resistance but then reader faces Kylo (she knows who he is) in order to buy time for the resistance to get out of base, she is ready to die if need be and right when she is fighting kylo, her son appears, end's up to you





	My Dying Soul

**Author's Note:**

> These happens after TLJ events but it’s inspired on the last scene, I made Kylo a little bit younger than in the movies (around 26).

“Why are you crying?” you find a boy around your age crying alone in the corner of this new place your parents brought you.

“I’m not crying!” he yells at you, hiding his face more.

“Your parents left you too?” you sit down next to him.

“Yes” he whines, with his head looking down.

“Mom said it was for my own good but I didn’t wanna leave home” you remember your mom’s words telling you to be good and always remember them.

“She told you that?” he lifts his head to look at you. He has big ears, short dark hair and sad eyes. You only nod your head, twisting your mouth unhappy that they left you here.

“I’m Ben” he tells you his name and wait for you to do the same.

“(Y/N)” you smile at him feeling a little less scared of this new place.

* * *

“Master Luke! Master Luke!” you and Ben yell at the same time running to Luke Skywalker.

“Yes, my padawans?” Luke chuckles seeing you two holding hands.

“We found a book in the library about famous Jedis and (Y/N) and I decided we’ll be Master Jedis” Ben smiles without letting your hand go.

“Well, for that, you need to train very hard” Luke tells both of you.

“We will, Master Luke! You’ll see!” you assure him and Ben and you run away.

Luke sees you as you walk away and thinks if it’s a good idea that you and Ben are so close. But just you’re kids, you’ll grow up and follow your own path.

* * *

“Are you okay?” Ben lays next to you after he finished cleaning you with a wet cloth.

“Yes. I thought I’d bleed more” you look for blood stains in Ben’s mattress but there’s none.

“Did you like it?” he cuddles with you against his chest. You’re both sixteen and you’ve been secretly dating for a year. Tonight was your first time.

“Yeah” you hide your face embarrassed.

“I love you so much” Ben kisses your forehead and grabs a thin blanket to cover you.

“Ben! What are you doing?!” Luke screams full of rage as he enter Ben’s hut and sees you lying naked together.

“It’s not… it’s not like that!” Ben doesn’t know what to say, he just tries to cover you with his body.

“And you!” he accuses you. “Failing the Jedi rules just for a pair of pretty eyes!”

You hide behind Ben’s back, embarrassed that your master found you like this.

“Don’t talk to her like that!” Ben roars and makes Luke stumble using the Force.

“You two are a danger together” Luke utters. “Get dressed!” he orders you and you shake your head, refusing to let Ben go.

Luke stares at you whimpering with your arms tight around Ben and Ben staring at him back with a look of determination. He accepts that tonight he can’t do much but tomorrow he’ll definitely fix this.

* * *

“But I love her, uncle. And she loves me. What’s wrong with that?” Ben tries to reason with his uncle Luke. After two months of being away from you, just being able to look at you from afar he decides to talk with Luke.

“Ben, you’re too young. One day, you’ll understand and see it’s for the best” Luke assures him and taps Ben’s shoulder. But Ben isn’t very sure that day will come.

* * *

You’re sleeping in your hut covered in one of Ben’s robes you were manage to keep. Screams and cries wakes you up and smoke begins to fill your hut.

You sit down confused and sharpen your ear to figure it out what’s happening. You hear more screams but can’t distinguish what they’re saying. You cover yourself more with Ben’s robe thinking if you should stay here or go out to investigate.

Suddenly the door of your hut slams open and Ben is at the frame, holding his lightsaber. He’s breathing fast and his face and clothes are covered in blood and ashes.

“Ben?” you freeze and stare at him with wide eyes. You haven’t seen him for two months but he looks so different.

“Nothing can hold me back. Not even you” he says and takes a step forward, threatening you with his lightsaber. You just stay still, too shocked to do anything.

Ben’s hand shakes and he grips the lightsaber harder, your eyes begin to fill with tears and you look for him through the Force but you only find darkness and rage. He presses his lips into a hard line and after a moment of hesitation he lowers his hand and runs away. Ten years will have to pass to have him face to face again.

* * *

“(Y/N)? Can you hear me?” someone calls you but you can’t focus your eyes or recognize the voice. “It’s me, Leia. (Y/N), please!” Leia shakes you by your shoulders and you react. She found you vaguing through the ruins of the Jedi temple, between the smoke and dead bodies. You’re barefoot and just wearing Ben’s robes.

“What happened? Where’s Ben? Where’s Luke?” she asks desperate.

“I-I don’t know” you shake your head. The past hours are erased from your memory. The only thing you remember are Ben’s eyes and his lightsaber pointed at you.

“Come here” Leia realizes you need a hug and not an interrogation.

* * *

“When are you going to tell me you’re pregnant with my son’s child?” Leia confronts you one day as you finished dinner. You’ve been staying with her for a month, everything is so recent and no one knows where Ben or Luke are.

“I…” your mouth stays opened. “I’m so sorry. I was scared you were gonna tell me to leave” you hide your head in your hands.

“How could you think I was gonna abandon you and my grandchild?” Leia scoops to your side and hugs you by your shoulder. “You need to see a doctor. And start preparing the house for the baby”.

“You mean…?” you ask shocked of what she just said.

“I’m not gonna abandoning you. You’re part of my family now” Leia smiles at you and you realize that maybe she’s just as lonely as you.

* * *

“Jayden, please take this holomaps to your grandma” you tell your nine year old son. You’re at a secret base of the Resistance on the planet of Jedha. Since you gave birth to Jayden and you recovered you joined the fight.

“Got it” your son takes the holomaps. He’s proud that he’s the only kid who fight against the First Order along General Organa and Commander (Y/N) (L/N). He knows that his father is Ben Solo, but what he doesn’t know is that Ben is now Kylo Ren.

You keep working concentrated in some battle plans when the alarm goes on, flooding all the room with its high sound.

_“Where are you?”_ you look for Jayden through the Force. You start packing the important documents, ready to evacuate.

_“With grandma at Bay 21”_ he answers you and you sigh relieved that Leia will protect him.

_“I’m on my way. Stay with grandma”_ you tell him and grab your backpack with the documents and your lightsaber.

* * *

“What happened?” you ask Leia as soon as you find her with your son.

“The First Order managed to track us. They’re already landing with their war droids” she says feeling tired to defend another base from the First Order once again.

“Our defenses?”

“Not enough. It’d be a suicide mission”

You pause for a moment to think for a plan B. “Here” you give Jayden the backpack and hug him. “I love you. Be good and listen to your grandma”.

“I’ll distract them to so you can evacuate” you tell Leia as she looks at you with a worried expression.

“How are you gonna do that?”

“I’ll think of something on the way” you hug her like you did with Jayden. In all these years she has become like your mother.

“Ben is here” she whispers in your ear so your son can’t hear her.

“I know. I felt him since he landed”.

* * *

You walk through the long hallway that will lead you out of the hidden base and face the First Order all by yourself. The last time you saw Ben you were just a sixteen year old girl, but now you and him have unfinished business and the time to face them has arrived.

You walk out of the base and the first thing you notice is the dry cold air hitting your face. The second thing you see is an entire float of ships with their blasters pointed at you.

“I’m one with the Force and the Force is with me” you repeat an old mantra you learned at the Jedi Temple. You’re ready to die in order to buy some time for the Resistance to get out of the base. You’re just sad you won’t be able to see Jayden grow up.

* * *

“Supreme Leader, there’s someone out there” the pilot of the AT-AT where Kylo is warns him.

Kylo approaches to the main window and focus his eyes to see the small figure standing alone in the middle of an empty land.

“Open the gates. Don’t shoot” Kylo orders to his soldiers and steps out of the AT-AT with his fists clenched.

* * *

“Did you come to say you forgive me? To save my soul?” Kylo spits out in disgust.

“No” your voice is loud enough for him to hear it but you’re not shouting like him. You activate your lightsaber and run towards him, hoping you can make the fight last enough so everyone can leave the planet.

Kylo gets rid of his cape and stomps the ground, activating his lightsaber too. Your two weapons crash against each other and you observe his face, specially his scar.

“I don’t need your pity” he senses you and you roll your eyes. You move trying to hit him. Kylo manages to take your lightsaber away and you stumble back, his saber pointing at you.

You breath fast, looking everywhere for your lightsaber so you can grab it with the Force.

“Leave my mom alone!” Jayden appears behind you and you gasp, he shouldn’t be here. You thought he was safe with Leia.

Kylo’s face goes completely blank, he recognizes his own eyes, ears and hair in this boy in front of him. Taking advantage from Kylo’s distraction, Jayden pushes him with the Force and makes him fall down.

“What are you doing here?” you exclaim desperate but there’s no time to scold him. You run and swoop on Kylo and before he can reacts you punch him on the face.

“Aaaah” he groans touching his bleeding nose. You try to get up but he grabs you by the waist, making you fall with him and roll on the floor.

“Run, Jaycen!” you scream to your son and he obeys you. He runs as fast as he can to hide again in the base. You kick Kylo in the face with all your strength and his arm lets you go.

You run with long strides, feeling Kylo’s steps close to you. You enter to the base and find Jayden waiting for you.

“Over here” you say as you run through different hallways until you arrive to a lonely room. Everyone has already escaped. If only Jayden was with them.

“Hide under the table” you say taking big gulps of air. You’re out of breath from the run. Jaycen slides down and just stares at you, like he’s questioning if everything is going to be fine.

“Everything will be fine. We’ll get out of this” you comb his hair and give him a smile. You’re startled by a big sound and you know Kylo is here. “No matter what you see, don’t get out of your hiding” you order your son and he only nods with his big brown eyes. The same ones they looked at you when you were six years old and you were new at the Jedi Temple.

“Hiding like a fucking pathetic rat” you hear Kylo’s voice at your back and you turn around, giving him a face of bravery. “But this time I won’t hesitate. My hand won’t shake and I’ll finish the job” Kylo activates his lightsaber and it shines as red as his anger.

“Strike me down in anger and I’ll always be with you, just like your father” you assure him as you see how his face is totally deformed by rage. His eyes are yellow and his pupils red.

“Someone put attention to Luke’s clases” he mocks and corners you against the wall. You feel the heat of the lightsaber cross against your neck and you grab Kylo’s wrist trying to stop him. This time his face doesn’t look scared like ten years ago, this time he’s gonna do what he couldn’t do when he was just a scared teenager.

“Why are you crying?” you agonize feeling your neck burning.

“I’m not crying!” he roars and pushes harder.

“Your soul is crying, I can hear it” you say as your hands slips down from your sweat.

You close your eyes ready to feel the blade burning through your skin but after a moment you open your eyes not feeling any pain. Kylo’s hand is still at your side holding his lightsaber but he’s shaking.

“Ben…” you call him in a whisper.

Kylo’s face spasms in pain and he looks away from you to his right. He finds some very familiar golden dices on the table, memories hurt his mind so he looks down but he finds Jayden’s eyes looking at him terrified. It’s the same look he had when Luke went to his hut to kill him in the middle of the night.

Kylo purses his lips and he knows he will never be able to kill you. Defeated, he turns off his lightsaber and lets himself fall against you.

“I can’t” he starts sobbing against your neck, his arms wrapping you in a suffocating embrace. “I thought I could after so many years, but I can’t”.

“Shhh” you lull him like a child.  _“Stay there”_ you say to Jayden in your mind and he only nods, not moving from his place.

Kylo takes a painful breath and lifts his head to look at you. You tenderly smile at him and cleans the tears of his eyes, now they look normal brown again.

“Come back to us” you murmur combing his hair.

“It’s too late”

“It’s never too late. Everyday is a new day where you can start again” you console him hoping he believes your words.

“I will never be a Jedi” he says bitterly.

“Neither I will” you admit. Kylo closes his eyes and rests his forehead against yours. He looks for you through the Force and you open your mind so he can find you. And when he does, he feels like that helpless child whose parents abandoned him and was sheltered by you, even if you were a child too.

“They’ll never leave me in peace” he refers to the First Order.

“I have a plan” you wink at him. The worst part has already passed.

* * *

“Your leader is dead!” you scream with all the strength your lungs have and throw Kylo’s lightsaber to them. You don’t wait for a response (or a shoot from them) and start running back to the base.

“Let’s go!” you take Jayden’s hand running where the last escape ship is. Kylo wants to ask what happened but there’s no time. The cave trembles because of the shoots from the AT-AT’s. Soon stormtroopers will be here, ready to kill everything that moves.

“Ready to leave all of these behind?” you laugh as you turn on the ship, typing the coordinates.

“I think so” Kylo doubts. He’s surprised to see you laughing despite the situation you are. He sits next to Jayden and Jayden moves in his sit to be as far as he can from him. Most awkward trip ever.

* * *

Ben hears your ship landing and gets out from the house you’ve been living for the past months. It’s in distant planet, somewhere in the Outer Rim.

“Hey, Ben. Grandma says hi” Jayden bumps fists with Ben as he enters to the house. When you settled down, you explained to Jayden his dad’s story. Over time, Jayden has been getting used to the idea, he still doesn’t call Ben “dad” but both of them are working on their relationship.

“She misses you” you greet Ben with a kiss on the cheek.

“I know but I’m not ready yet” Ben sighs. With you the transition has been easy but he still has some darkness inside of him he has to deal with.

“I understand” you tap his shoulder and walk to the house.

“Thank you” he stops you grabbing your hand. “Since I can remember my soul has been dying, darkness creeping in devouring it. But you never stopped believing me, even after I tried to kill you. Twice” he says in shame.

“I always knew that boy I met crying hidden in a corner was inside of you” you hold his face standing in your tiptoes so you can look at him in the eye. “No one’s ever really gone” you seal your words with a kiss on his mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me: tumblr.com/bad--bad--man


End file.
